It’s been a bit since my last blog, it’s almost the end of June, and well, it makes sense to simply write a blog that summarizes my month. After all, this blog really has been more of a personal blog than anything else.
And it has indeed has been a significant month for me, I suppose.
June 1 was my birthday. It always is. I feel a little older this year, maybe because I am playing on a softball team again this year. Last year, I didn’t play at all, the first summer in a long long long long LONG time that I haven’t swung a bat. Last year was a transition year for me, a year where life changed simply because a job of almost 25 years ended most dramatically. Maybe it makes sense that baseball changed also. I had to be happy with being a fan. And that year off of playing the game was not good for me, especially since I am 54 years old now. Normally an exceptional hitter (seriously), my groove didn’t appear much at all at the plate during the months of May and June (although my glove was still very good except for a game or two). But just as I was feeling older, this past Thursday’s game found me hitting the ball on a line and where I wanted it to go, to the tune of a 4 for 4 night at the plate. Throws to first base had that old zing. Just as I was thinking I need to toss it in, the old Steve showed up (maybe that wasn’t the best way to say it).
This June has been a month of constant precipitation in Chicagoland. That makes me cranky, but not literally because I haven’t been able to crank.. my mountain bike. We are getting rain every day, so the trails are not drying out. Arghhhh. It means I have had to ride my (gasp) ROAD BIKE.
Alyssa, my 19 year old daughter, was only home from college for a week and a half. I and Miriam drove her to her job as a summer camp counselor three weeks ago. She trained for two weeks, just completed her first full week of camp as a counselor this week. her first week was with junior high age girls. She is good with that age group and the pictures she posted on FB yesterday were fabulous. They had a great time. My little girl rocks as a camp counselor.
Geez, do I miss my little girl. I think I need her around more than ever right now. Daughters love their dad, have stars in their eyes for their old pop. There has never been a doubt about the encouragement she brings to me when I get to spend time with her. I need that right now.
On the way home from driving Alyssa to her camp counseling job, I broke the news to Miriam. I want a divorce. I told her that I have already talked to a divorce mediator and want her to visit that mediator with me for a consult. She will not agree, wants us to go back to counseling. Mir called me a child, told me I am making a rash decision, told me that I have no grounds, questioned that I have even thought about the consequences a divorce will bring. There were no tears on her part. I wept while I listened to her. At the end, she told me that I was going to find a counselor for us.
There have been several discussions since then, basically treading the same water we have been treading for roughly the last decade. I realized that I have told her what has been bothering me for a long time, and she to me, and nothing has changed. Right now, I am struggling with feeling the legitimacy of what she is telling me. I hear excuses. That bothers me. I need to see where I have fallen and deal with that, see if it is possible to make that right.
And I want to leave. I don’t see my wife taking me seriously at all.
Finally, I need to apologize to those who actually read my blog. I have done a lot of complaining here. This will be the last blog I am going to write here about my relationship struggles. I do need to write them down, but not here.
I want to close tonight’s blog on a positive note, because there is a bit of positive right now. It’s summer. That means my now 16 year old son, who reached that milestone two weeks ago, is not stressing about school. That conflict is gone for a few months. It also means that he is not on his ADHD meds, so he is far less aggressive. And this month has found him beginning to treat me like his father. I am cautiously optimistic.. and wondering if I should risk rocking the boat by going forward with marriage separation. Seems a bit selfish when I add him into the consideration. We went to a baseball game at Wrigley last week, witnessed close up the incident where a father feeding his baby son stood up to catch a foul ball, interfering with the first baseman. We are watching baseball together, talking and he is actually cooperating with me. Miracles. They may be short lived, but they are miracles. He is listening to me, doing what I ask and when I ask.
Wait, what is that odd podlike structure in my back yard?