december puzzle

This is a season of great wonder.. with a pinch of worry mixed in as well as a large dose of anxiety.

Knowwuttimean?

There I go again speaking in Ernest.

Every December I find myself contemplating on what a journey life is.  For me it is very circular, a certain deja vu niggling at my brain (does using the word ‘niggling’ make me a racist?) and telling me that much of my experience takes me back to a place I have been before.  December is always tough, a financial conundrum destined to bewilder me and chase me in my dreams.  Christmas is looming large, bills are weeping unpaid in my happy place bill box, and the frigid northern Illinois weather tests the limits of anything mechanical until it breaks.  My world is a universe governed by Murphy, so if it’s going to break it’s going to break at the worst possible moment.

Every December I find myself reaching deep for that final sprint to the finish line.

And every time I make it there, limping a bit and holding my hamstring, but across the line on my own power nonetheless.  I hesitate to say it that way because, well, it’s never my own power that gets me there.  What gets me there is a combination of wills — faith in God’s will, my own will and determination, the support of others, maybe even a bit of luck.  I keep expecting to break down, fall short of that year end finish line, but experience has shown me that there is always that little bit left that gets me there.

So I survive weeks like this one, where it felt like the huge December cloud emptied itself on me all at once.  This week started off with the cloud dumping double car failure, house failure, even library failure on me.  When I felt like those were about to be tackled, the PT Loser decided to have a flat yesterday morning.  I stood outside at 7:15 in the morning, my work personal days used up and an 8 AM punch time looming, in frigid 3 degree weather while I looked at a flat tire, searching for my emergency air compressor and car jack.  The dark cloud of depression descended on me, so much that I could literally feel it enveloping me and the physical signs evident.

I stopped myself.  Walked inside the house, warmed my frozen soul, prayed for calm and found it.

I also found my compressor.  Last night.  It took twenty minutes of pleading, but Mir gave me a ride to work in the rental car we had from the day before.  I made it.

It’s December.

Give me a ho ho ho.

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