I am sulking right now. I am trying to decide what kind of father I am. At this very moment, I am upstairs doing what I wanted to start ninety minutes ago, which was write three blogs to wind down the weekend. There have been all kinds of thoughts bouncing around in my head for days, one blog already half written, with no time to write. Some times that would be a bad thing, but the last few days have been really good, days where the pieces of my marriage have felt like a few have come back together. Believe me, that is a miracle. Having no time to write was a good thing.
The last ninety minutes have been what has become typical for my family — the last dregs of a relaxing, peaceful, even healing weekend destroyed by dealing with a teenage son. If he put the same energy into his schoolwork as he does fighting the responsibility of doing it, he would be an excellent student. He is bright and intelligent, but won’t do the work. Three C and four D grades on his Fall semester grade report show that. So now I am pushing him, no longer taking his word that the necessary work is getting done, and he hates it. Band is one of the easiest classes in school to get an A in, yet he has an F right now. What have we been fighting with him to do for the last ninety minutes? We have been trying to get him to do a 20 minute online sight reading assignment for band, plus another 10 minutes of practice to put into his practice log.
Finally, I said that this lack of caring has got to stop. The boy looked at me, called me an idiot, then threw a full disposable plastic bottle of water at me. Without thinking, I caught the bottle with my throwing hand and whipped it back at him, hitting him square in the forehead and covering him with cold water. He then rushed at me to try to tackle me and I shoved him to the floor. The kid is as tall as I am and outweighs me by ten pounds. Then he grabbed the bottle of water, tried to throw what was left on my computer.
Something unusual happened.. instead of protecting Nate, Mir scolded Nate for calling his father an idiot and pulled him into our kitchen, away from me. She told him I was only telling him something that he needed to hear, was not being mean to him, and he had no reason for what he had done. It was then that I retreated upstairs. After the kid tried to tackle me, I could feel that I was angry. If he came at me again, he was going to get the back of my hand. I think that was the first time ever that she did not make me the bad guy, supported me.
Mir and I have spent a lot of time together the past few days. Since Wednesday, we have been car shopping. Mir hates it. I relish it, although I don’t like spending a lot of time looking. But my wife needs time for a notion to sink in, just like it took time to sink in that our eleven year old 160,000 mile van needed to be replaced. She has been driving it for her job since November, costing a fortune in fuel. The engine has been making a lot of noise, a timing chain issue. I have been suggesting she consider replacing the van for months. Last weekend, she asked me to help her find a car.
2012 VW Passat, light blue, 9000 miles. We now have two VWs in our stable.
So I did. We went to four dealers over the course of two days. Friday, I went to another dealer, put a car on hold that I knew she would like and made an appointment for Saturday afternoon to look at the car together. She loved it. We negotiated together, went home to discuss what to do, went back and bought the car. Last night, we went out to dinner to celebrate. The car is practical, not extravagant, just right. Mir loves it. And we did very well together buying it, had a good time.
Despite the fight, the good outweighs the bad…for once. Might be a good sign.
Now build on it, brother. She’s working hard at this, verbally recognize the shift, thank her, and reciprocate. Do this right and it could signify a change to the marriage you’ve always wanted. Believe me, I’m living that for four years now and it is glorious. Good luck with your son. Getting an F in band is impossible. I was in it for all but my senior year (I didn’t like the new teacher) – and if I’d called my dad an idiot, well let’s just say everything would have gone black all of a sudden.
Thanks for the encouragement, brother. We really are in transition. I do need to tell her I see that she is trying and thank her for it.
What’s bad is that Nate has a true gift for music, but just won’t apply himself. He was a star in the middle school band and jazz band, thought he should be in high school too, expected to be handed everything. I keep trying to drop it on him in a subtle way that nothing is going to just be handed to him.
My dad would have cold cocked me too. Big time. And I would have respected him for it.
I had a tough time in high school too. Same thing. Took me till my junior year to get it figured out. Rough time for mom and dad, for sure.
the good with the bad
You know that teenagers go crazy until they are 25. Their brains rewire and they can’t make good decisions. It seems to affect boys more than girls, because hormones. Hang in there.
My son is going to have a hard time living to twenty five with that water bottle that is now embedded in his forehead (kidding, just kidding.. sort of).
I straightened out at 18, but my rebellion was quite a bit more sneaky, probably because it wasn’t just my dad who wouldn’t put up with back talk. My mom was and is one tough woman.
Men go crazy again at 50. Believe me, I know.
An F in band? Is band a required class cuz if it’s an elective he’s clearly not musically inclined.
Nate is a very talented musician. His problem is that he expects to be rewarded without putting work into it. He stood out in middle school, was the star at more than one concert, even made the top high school jazz band as an EIGHTH grader. He has the talent but doesn’t want to practice or put out the effort. My son has quite a bit of growing up to do.
Ah.
Now I’m smiling at the good news!
And If I had called my dad a idiot we would still be not on speaking terms, I guess. I once, at age fifteen, called my mom “that woman” because I was angry. I was grounded for a month and was no allowed to eat dinner with the family for a week. Dad was livid!
WOW!. “That woman”. Your dad must have been really serious to ground you for a month and make you stay away from the dinner table. Did you learn your lesson?
LOL, dad was dead serious. Saying anything unkind or disrespectful about mom was a sure way to serious punishment.
I did learn my lesson, but not the way he wanted me to. I learned to keep my mouth shut when brother was around … he told dad about my “that woman” remark. Brother and I were not on speaking terms for a looong time! 😉
Being a teenager is so hard….on HIM and on the adults who love him. I’ll hold you close to my heart as you each “negotiate survival terms” for the next few years…. ❤
You don’t know how very useful and kind that comment is. Thanks. 🙂