The question of the week has been this — how do I react?
Life to me really has come down to that question.
Even my reaction has come into question.
(I feel like talking in fragments tonight.. something that really bugs me when other bloggers do it. Years ago, a drama queen adopted me very aggressively here in blogland.. and she.. always.. wrote in… dramatic fragments.. and she boiled.. bunnies)
Sunday started with a sermon delivered with honest frankness, a message that spoke to my sensibilities. I don’t care if you believe in God the same way that I do and think that what I am about to say is kooky (I like that word), what the preacher said was not anything new to me, but he delivered a message in a way that felt new. He said one thing that made me say “Uh huh. Yep.”. What basically said is that there is no such thing as a secret sin. Most people do not face that sin, at least not completely, until they are caught in that sin. We don’t want to face that shame. God exposes that sin in order to get us to change. Evil exposes that sin in order to try to destroy us. Makes sense. I’m not saying I have earth shattering secret sin, but what I was convicted of was the desire to change, to focus on purging what is in my life that evil can use to destroy me.
I’m certain that there are people who read that last paragraph who will think that I am some delusional numbskull. So be it. I have fit that bill for a long time.
What usually follows a time in my life where I want to change for the better, is a time where I am attacked. It didn’t take long.
Sunday night began with what felt like an attempt to take me down. Monday morning began with extreme disappointment, then continued as I got to work, then piled on as soon as I came home from work. This is not going to be a blog where I give the details. Let’s just say that my wife greeted me with a pile of problems and piled them on top of me quickly.
I looked at her calmly. I think she expected me to freak out. Then she said something to me that should have made me freak out angry.
“This isn’t affecting you at all, is it? Do you really care? You look like this isn’t affecting you at all.”
I did care. I just cared in a different way than she did.
I walked away from her, insulted by the way she had just treated me. I was aware that something outside of me was trying to drag me down.
Hate her. Hate the circumstances. Hate what is happening.
A large part of me just wanted to tell her to get fucked. I didn’t do that.
I want to win.
I want to be able to face that which seeks to destroy me and say “no way”.
No way. Leave me alone.
I chose not to dwell on the crap that was happening. It was not as bad as it seemed.
It feels a lot like a long bicycle ride, one that is a challenge to finish. There comes to a point in an epic ride, sometimes more than once, where I just have to make the decision to push through the pain. It means focusing on the finish in order to keep going. It might be a steep climb that wants to kick my butt, it might be a pace that just seems to strong to maintain. It’s mind over matter.