• Things I Should Warn You About

shenrydafrankmann

~ Hopeful honesty from simple sentences

shenrydafrankmann

Monthly Archives: June 2016

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream

30 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by shenrydafrankmann in Uncategorized

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

anger, faith, God, life, marriage, marriage issues, relationships

I need to scream.  I am emotionally spent and I have no outlet.  I need to be comforted and hugged, but the one I thought would be there for me when I need her touch took that away from me a long time ago.. and she is the source of my frustration.

Where do you go when you need to scream?  What do you do?

I want to know.

Do you moan to God like David, at times feeling like God has rejected you?  I can relate.  I pray for relief, for change, and it seems like I am praying for naught.  My prayers feel empty.  I have yet to dance naked before God and everyone, like David did in his celebration.

Maybe that’s the answer?

Naaaaaa.

Do you spill your anger out on the people around you, the poison seeping from your pores, dripping from your tongue?  My mood threatens to turn black when the screams are trapped inside me, so much that I wish I could run from myself.  Instead, I run to a mirror, witness the distressed man that stares back at me, darkness lurking in his eyes, tears pooling.  Often enough, I am able to leave him there.

A bicycle provides escape for a time, each frustration shaved away as the pedals turn beneath me.  There was a time when the bicycle was the only outlet that I needed.  There are times when that is still the case, but more and more the screams stay with me.

I am not a violent man.  I can be an angry man, a man I have learned to fight simply because I know that I don’t handle the angry man very well.  Never am I tempted to strike out in an attempt to release the screams.  I am afraid of what might happen if I did.  I want to be angry with my words, but I don’t like to do that, so I hide my words away more often than not.  So I need to scream.  I want to scream.

I can’t.

I want to scream so loud that it all goes away.  The pain.  The want.  The sacrifice.  The woman who complains and takes, who gives so little back.

In a moment, I will retreat to an empty bed.  I will wake up to a still empty bed.

And I will live my day craving the opportunity to scream.

Some day it will happen.

 

The Silence of the Steves

28 Tuesday Jun 2016

Posted by shenrydafrankmann in Uncategorized

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

CPAP, life

Snapshot_20160521_1

“Madness can be a medicine for the modern world” – Hannibal Lecter

I have a craving for fava beans and a nice chianti lately.  Isn’t that wonderful, Clarice?

Ever since I got my CPAP machine, I have been sleeping like Dr. Lecter.  Getting used to sleeping with a machine blowing and sucking through my nose all night can, at times, drive one to near cannibalistic madness.  This may be near impossible believe, but I have not and will not reach that point.. at least not as a result of the machine.

Contrary to what one might think, I think (therefore, I am) that being subjected to a CPAP machine just makes me more sexy.  It does not make me seem old.

“Debbie, did you hear that Steve is sleeping with one of those sexy masks?”

“Oh yeah, Sue, I hear it gives him more suction.”

“Oooooooo, just think what it’s like to listen to heavy breathing all night!”

“I bet he’s a real sex machine.”

(Can we hit it and quit?)

I required a little time to get accustomed to sleeping while wearing the mask, as well as the constant suction and air blowing down my throat.  Quickly, I learned that opening my mouth after the machine gets to full pressure is not the most pleasant experience.  Air comes rushing out of my gob.  Talking is near impossible.  If my mouth drops open in the middle of the night, I wake up.

But I sleep like the baby that I am.  I no longer snore, as far as I know.  Mir still does not sleep with me the majority of the time.  After over a month, I can sleep through all or the majority of the night wearing the mask.  Some mornings, I wake up with an hour or so left to sleep and I take the mask off.

I have been fairly diligent with keeping the mask and air hose clean.  Here’s a tip for you if a CPAP is in your future — when you wash the air hose, make sure you hang it so that the hose properly drains.  Let’s just say that last night the sound of the water blowing through the hose, plus the water collecting on my nose, made sleeping a tad bit difficult.  I discovered after about ten minutes of enduring the moisture madness that the solution was to remove the mask and let the machine blow the water out.

Life is gooder.  Yes.  Gooder.  I have not noticed a huge difference in how alert I am during the day, but I do seem to have a bit more energy.

So.  I have CPAP.  Yippee.

 

 

Faith of our Fathers

20 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by shenrydafrankmann in Uncategorized

≈ 6 Comments

It’s Father’s Day.  A day to celebrate the one who helped bring you into this world, perhaps the one person in this world whose influence matters the most, no matter whether that influence is positive or negative.FB_IMG_1466356332499

My dad is a definite positive.  I know there a some who are not so fortunate, who can not or will not say the same.  For those who can’t, I wish I could share my dad with you.  He’s not perfect, something I am indeed thankful for if simply because it gives me hope with my own children — because I really hope that my own children are able to look at me the same way.

Maybe I should share the tribute I sent to my dad today.  It says just a little bit of what I feel for my father:

Happy father’s day to my dad who showed me that a guy can be handsome without hair.

Most importantly, Dad embodies what Jesus tells us to do, to be a servant. He always serves with a smile, something I hope that I have a little of in my own life. Whether it’s teaching a class at church, helping a friend, or being there for my brothers and I, Dad does it without hesitation. I learned to love people by watching my dad, who has never (mostly) met someone he doesn’t like. …Dad has always supported me, right or wrong, with an unconditional love that comes from a heart that knows God.

This is my dad — “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23

Thanks, Dad.

You see, my dad gave me the best gift a father can give to his children — an example worth following.  That includes what he believes about God, his faith.  Dad is the most genuine person I know, about as real as a person can be, and his value comes from that quality.  His life has never been about possessions or the things he can have.  People and family are what makes my dad smile.. and I really like that.  Since I was a little boy, I have seen how my dad treats other people, the joy he gets from conversation and the enthusiasm he shows as he shares with someone else.  There is a little of that in me, something I am very thankful for.

Father’s day is an opportunity for me to celebrate and honor my day a bit more openly than I am able to the rest of the year.  Thankfully.

I hope my children will be thankful for me some day in the same way that I am thankful for my own father.  Really, it’s what we guys live for, not to hear our children gush about how great we are, but to see them respect us by the way they live their own lives.  I pray that my example will show in the way my girl and boy live their lives.  If I see just a little of myself in them, I will be happy.

May your day be blessed!

No Crying In Bicycling

14 Tuesday Jun 2016

Posted by shenrydafrankmann in Uncategorized

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

bicycle, family, fatherhood, life, mountain biking

20160613_202106Tonight’s ride ended with a bit of drama — broken spoke drama.  Drat.  Drat.  Double drat.  Double broken spokes.  But, as it is in baseball, there is no crying in bicycling.  There may  be wailing and screaming, especially if blood or broken bones are involved, but there is no crying.  I only was able to ride 30 minutes or so.

It could have been worse.  How, you might say, especially if you’re a cyclist?

The spokes could have popped some time in the last eleven days.  My days of freedom, of temporary free balling bachelor hood, as in riding almost every glorious day with nothing and no one to worry about.  On June 1, coincidentally my birthday, I emerged from my bed very early in the morning, loaded my car with enormously overstuffed suitcases, and motored my wife and children to O’Hare airport to meet their morning flight to lovely, scenic Anchorage, Alaska.  I couldn’t go due to lack of money and a boss who strongly urged me to avoid spending the whole eleven days in Alaska.

Besides, the first four days were filled with wedding festivities.  My daughter was a bridesmaid for her cousin, Inga the bride, a sight I sorely wished I could see — Alyssa in her bridesmaid beauty and Inga, almost like a daughter to me, in her bridely beamery.  I wanted to be there, I really did, but I couldn’t justify the expense.  Some might say that I should have bit the bullet, forget the expense to go, but now I am looking at trying to pay for a new roof and school expenses for my children in the next month.  There is no possible way that we could have afforded it had I gone.  I am going to keep telling myself that.

There is something to be said about the therapeutic benefits of having a full ten days to one’s self.  My family would not be returning until June 12.  That seems like a long time.

Dang, did it go fast.

Contrary to what might be expected, I did not roam the house in my birthday suit, even on my birthday.  My nights were not spent in a drunken stupor.  I do not require alcohol for a stupor.  However, I did buy beer to keep in the refrigerator, enjoyed a cold one inside my house without fear for the first time in many, many, many years.  Temporary as they were, my days in my briefs as a brief bachelor were very tame.

Besides, I am not kidding about being broke.  My paycheck was awarded to me the night before my family flew for father’s freedom, but my paycheck also flew to pay the mortgage, car insurance premium, cable/internet payment, electric bill, and a few other small responsibilities.  A surprise family cell phone bill a few weeks ago, a bill of $524 that I had not planned for, had also drained my checking account.  There was no money for me to play.  A few months ago, I had hoped to venture off to Wisconsin for a weekend of mountain biking, but my bank account said nada nicht no way.  I made lemonade out of the lemons, though, had fun riding close to home.

Last Tuesday night, I paid a rare week day visit to Palos Forest Preserve to ride the excellent singletrack trails there.  There was a mountain bike skills clinic there that evening, so I also attended the clinic.  That may have been a mistake — I learned how many bad habits that I have developed during the last three years on a mountain bike!  However, I learned the proper way to manual (i.e. lift the front wheel of the bicycle over obstacles), adjusted my riding position to a more neutral position that utilizes my hips to negotiate turns, and a better method of turning.  One particular bad habit that I had was covering each brake lever with 2 or 3 fingers.  The best method is one finger, with more fingers on the grips the best idea.  On top of learning, I made new friends with some of the regulars who ride at Palos.  They not only invited me to ride their Wednesday night group rides, but they also asked me to go to their post ride hang out, a place called the Imperial Oak Brewery.  On a normal night, I would have had to decline, but I didn’t need to rush home.  I went there, had a real good time.

My family provided me with plenty of pictures while they were in Alaska, thanks to the wonder of smart phones (something I had been cursing just a few weeks before when paying that huge bill).  Alaska truly is a beautiful place and there were many times during the last two weeks when I wished I was there.  After the wedding was over, my family travelled through the mountains with Miriam’s relatives to spend a few days in Homer, Alaska at a vacation home they rented together.  Nate went with a few uncles on a deep sea fishing trip, caught at least ten halibut.  He got to keep a 35 pound and 38 pound halibut.  We will be grilling those fish when they arrive here.FB_IMG_1465867327776

I was glad to pick my family up at the airport yesterday morning.  The quiet had been great for me, but I was ready for a little bit of noise in my house.  Besides, the dog and cat were beginning to plot against me.  I am pretty sure that Nick the Sheltie was going to lock me in the bathroom and steal all the food in the fridge.  Nick had been a source of frustration for me, especially with his endless begging, but also because his digestive system did not agree with the pieces of steak that I had shared with him.  The bonding time went bad.  Nick pooped in the living room every night for three days as well as when I was away at work.  Our living room still smells like a toilet.  I used a $50 gift card that my coworkers gave to me for my birthday, to buy a spot carpet cleaner.  The stains are gone but, well, the ghosts of Nick’s turds will live on in our living room for a while.

My family is back.  By last night, I was ready to ship my son back to Alaska.

OK, time to replace some spokes.

 

Yes, I really do say these things

  • My Father is Yacky
  • Image Bearer
  • Evening Ramble
  • Exposure of the Indecent Kind
  • Just Say Gnome

Yes, I really did

  • January 2023
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  • December 2016
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  • December 2015
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Categories

My brain hurts with you

  • January 2023
  • December 2022
  • November 2022
  • September 2022
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  • March 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
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  • December 2019
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  • December 2012
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Blogs I Follow (and maybe even read)

  • glennkaiser.com
  • There and Bach Again
  • Dean
  • Southern Georgia Bunny
  • The Rambling Biker
  • Storyshucker
  • Ah dad...
  • Squeeze the Space Man's Taco
  • I didn't have my glasses on....
  • kidscrumbsandcrackers
  • longawkwardpause.wordpress.com/
  • Cycling Dutch Girl
  • The Shameful Sheep
  • Blog Woman!!! - Life Uncategorized
  • Life in Lucie's Shoes
  • Fit Recovery
  • lifebeyondexaggeration
  • Globe Drifting
  • I AM TOM NARDONE
  • Cathy's Voice Now

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glennkaiser.com

There and Bach Again

a teacher's journey

Dean

Marketing major. Outdoor sports lover. San Diego living.

Southern Georgia Bunny

Adventures of an Southern Bunny everything from dating, sex, life and shake your head moments.

The Rambling Biker

Roaming & Rambling in search of MTB Stoke

Storyshucker

A blog full of humorous and poignant observations.

Ah dad...

I need the funny because they're teenagers now

Squeeze the Space Man's Taco

A journey into Cade's world

I didn't have my glasses on....

A trip through life with fingers crossed and eternal optimism.

kidscrumbsandcrackers

Kids - I`m like the old woman who lived in a shoe - Crumbs, my house is full of them - Crackers, Im slowly going

longawkwardpause.wordpress.com/

Cycling Dutch Girl

the only certainty is change

The Shameful Sheep

Blog Woman!!! - Life Uncategorized

Mother, Nehiyaw, Metis, & Itisahwâkan - career communicator. This is my collection of opinions, stories, and the occasional rise to, or fall from, challenge. In other words, it's my party, I can fun if I want to. Artwork by aaronpaquette.net

Life in Lucie's Shoes

Life in a bubble: a dose of New York humor with an Italian twist!

Fit Recovery

Stay Clean Get Fit

lifebeyondexaggeration

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stranger

Globe Drifting

Global issues, travel, photography & fashion. Drifting across the globe; the world is my oyster, my oyster through a lens.

I AM TOM NARDONE

Cathy's Voice Now

Sharing my "voice"

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