Curious as to what I listen to while I write or while I pluck my nose hairs? Probably not, but I am going to share it any hoo —
My neck hurts. I have definitely been rubbernecking. Don’t get that confused with necking, if any one who reads this is old enough to get the term. I am. And old enough that it hasn’t applied for some time now.
17 year old males are frightening. I know there are plenty of fathers who agree with me. We understand them, remember what we were like at that age, which frightens us even more and possibly even causes us to wet our adult diapers. Even when I know what is coming, I am more edgy than Richard Simmons in a haunted house.
Of course, he would probably soil his running shorts. How’s that for a visual? You’re welcome.
You may be asking, Steve, what frightens you the most about having a 17 year old son? Dealing with the girl question? (No)
Zits? (Nope, although that was a rough one)
Driving privileges? (Nada, although that one is a source of high anxiety and so close that you’re HOT)
Video games? (Ha, I laugh in your general direction.. while I fart, of course)
Enough questions. If you ask more questions, I will have to marry you.
Garbage. I swear, my son drives to the corner and back in my car and it comes back filled with enough fast food bags, candy wrappers, burrito foil, shake cups, plastic bottles, and other assorted junk food associated detritus to fill a landfill. My son is a trash master.
I was not prepared for this condition. When I was a teenager, I was fastidious, a lawn mower and so possessed with keeping my own car clean (and my parents’ cars) that I was hired to detail cars by neighbors and relatives. How in the world did I spawn a refuse master?
A bit of that emerged from my gene pool when I was in my twenties, affecting me temporarily before I came back to my senses. My bedroom for a short period of time became a bomb zone, with the rest of the house/apartment a pristine showcase that all single women adored.
I let my son drive my car last weekend, a four hour trek to Indiana for a visit to his sister at her college. Was I frightened about him driving? Yes. A bit. But not too much. When he got home, the digital clocks in the car were messed up. I questioned him about it. As I suspected, he left the lights on and had to have my car jump started. That kind of stuff does frighten me. What shocked me more was when I entered my vehicle after he returned home. His mother had given him too much spending money and it showed. I cleared a path so that I could sit in the driver’s seat. There was so much garbage, I can’t even estimate how much had to be removed. Even worse, when I got in my car on Monday morning to go to work, more giggling bottles frolicked from under the passenger seat.
My advice to anyone with sons who are about to get their license — murder them now. It will be worth the jail sentence.
On another note, I am ready for tonight’s game 7 of the World Series.