Before I scrub up and begin preparing my much requested cheese potatoes, I thought I would drop a few lines in here. Shortly, my family will begin stirring and Thanksgiving day will start. This one is going to a little different for me, one that will require a bit of acting on my part.
If you didn’t pick up on this one a few blogs ago, where I hinted around to you, this is going to be some news for you. I am not writing about it, have refrained from making this announcement simply because I have tried to dial down on the real personal stuff in this blog, especially knowing that my wife monitors this blog. A little over a year ago, I discovered the notes that she was writing from my blog, for what reason I don’t know. It was obvious from the notes that either she planned to use them against me in counseling or perhaps if she could use them as leverage in a divorce.
My friends, that is what is happening. I will be celebrating Thanksgiving today with my wife’s family, knowing that she asked me for a divorce on November 3rd, minutes after the final out of the World Series. While Cub fans were celebrating all around my neighborhood, I was contemplating the announcement that she was granting me the divorce that I had asked for last year.
It wasn’t a surprise, really. She has grown increasingly distant, avoiding contact with me. In the last 16 months, there was no interest in showing me that she really wants to be my wife, something that I needed to see. Really I needed to see that far before then, but since she asked me to give it at least one more try, I had hoped that she would give an effort.
I asked her the next morning, via text, if she meant what she had said the night before. She confirmed that yes, she did mean it. For almost a week, she avoided me so much that I saw her maybe one minute during a six day period that followed her announcement. Once we got together, the atmosphere was calm and friendly, the wall of resentment that had been there before at least temporarily gone. We discussed the timing of the divorce, when we would tell our children, how we would go about getting the divorce (use an online method called Wevorce), who would get the house (me.. although that has changed). Part of the agreement we reached was that I would go to her family’s Thanksgiving celebration, she would go to my family’s Christmas. We would tell our children, together, after Christmas.
After she called my parents and burned several bridges with them, she can’t go to my family Christmas. Now we have to tell our children as soon as our daughter gets home from college for Christmas.
I have kept my mind and body busy by going about the tasks needed to get ready for the divorce. My wife changed her mind about the house, actually requested that she get the house while I continue to make the mortgage payments (ummmm…. no), so the plan changed to something more fair for us. We will sell the house and split the equity. So I found a realtor, have started doing the little things around the house to get it ready to sell. Our realtor recommended a handyman who works cheap, $20/hour, and he came by yesterday to help with stuff that I just don’t do quickly.. or have failed to do properly.
Such as these doors
I bought these nice solid oak bi-fold doors a year ago, stained them, and did a real bad job hanging them. They worked famously until the bottom brackets ripped out of the wall. The handyman fixed that plus added a nice oak threshold.
He patched a crack in the wall plus a few drywall tape cracks. I could do those, but the result would not have been as pretty as the job the hired man performed.
I have shored up common debt, worked out a pre and post divorce budget, fixed a lot of stuff around the house, even moved a treadmill downstairs from the master bedroom and sold it on Craigslist. That has kept me busy enough to keep my emotions numb, for the most part.
The most difficult place for me to be, difficult before the divorce announcement, worse since, is church. That is where we met and being there by myself has been lonely for some time. Last Sunday, I found myself shedding my first tears of grief at church. I didn’t break down in front of a lot of people, just one friend as I told him that serving at Christmas might be tough for me, and I regained composure quickly. I do fear what Christmas has in store. My kids will know, may not want me around, and I may be alone for the first time ever at this time of year.
Until then, I will savor this last Thanksgiving to celebrate as a devoted husband and father. It is going to be my last in that capacity.