I belong to a unique fraternity, a band of brothers of sorts, all of whom worked for the same company for an extended period of time with a dramatic ending for each. That trauma gives us a unique bond, one which finds us sharing fantasies of what sort of torture should be inflicted on the specific person who orchestrated our demise, an enemy we all agree is worthy of punishment. Each brother has a different degree of lust for revenge, dreams that at times make me flinch at their harshness. Revenge is not my cup of tea, not something I want to allow into my mind. While I can’t claim to perfection, my disdain for the person of disgust clear to me, I can’t bring myself to hate a person enough to want them to be harmed. Punishment for anyone is not my responsibility. I don’t want anyone’s unmentionables to be chopped off and fed to them, as some of my friends have intimated.
That said, I guess there could be some things I might wish on my enemies. If I were to put together a list, the top five things I might wish on my enemies might just look like this —
- Chronic hemorrhoids for eternity. I’m thinking that spending every day scootching along the carpet with the family dog might be sufficient punishment, especially if said enemy ends up in hell. That adds a twist to the phrase “itching and burning”.
- Bette Midler singing “Wind Beneath My Wings” and stuck in their head 24/7 for one month. I’m thinking one day of this torture might cause the inflicted to jump off of a tall bridge. Fllllllyyyyyyy… flllllyyyyyyYYYY….
- Bad health insurance. I’m pretty sure someone cursed me with this one years ago.
- Cub fans for a lifetime. Sadly, this one exists and some people choose this curse. As a Cardinal fan who has known baseball heaven on earth my whole life, this punishment would indeed be hell on earth. The only worse punishment might be the curse of being a White Sox fan for life. Let me just say this — professional baseball should be banned from the city of Chicago (wait.. it has been for some time).
- Put them in a minivan with three elementary age children who have just consumed three supersized frozen cokes each, make them drive a 1500 mile turnpike without exits and 100 miles between rest areas. Bonus if the rest area toilets require $2.00 in quarters for entry. Extra bonus if there are plenty of rivers and waterfalls to view along the way. Heck, for added grins the van’s stereo should have Wind Beneath My Wings stuck in a loop and the off button broken. Those hemorrhoids should burn even more as the butt cheeks clench.
I would love to hear further suggestions. My mind is already beginning to churn out more ideas, an evil chuckle passing my lips.
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. (Matthew 5:43-45, NIV)
Jesus was right. But, but, but JESUS, come on… just a few little thoughts? You have to admit, the minivan thing is pretty good, Lord!