Scotty Beam Me To Work

6 AM, the hues of the morning sun beginning to peek over the horizon as I drove my little Subaru east along the on ramp to I-88. Until I reach I-88, the little stretch through town is quiet and peaceful, with very little traffic besides myself. It is only until the merge onto the tollway that the madness begins.

“Here we go again!” I sigh as I settle in behind a slow moving bakery delivery truck, hemmed in by an anxious commuter in a large SUV who is travelling at the same rate of speed as the truck I am following, a train of dazed drivers in the vehicles, all hopelessly looking for an opportunity to move into the passing lane. The gaps in traffic are rare even at 6 AM, the passing lane a risky gamble, the aggressiveness of drivers in the passing lane creating havoc as they whiz along at 90 mph. I live out in the far western suburbs of Chicago, so in a few miles most of the cars heading into the city will be slowed to a snail’s pace. It’s difficult to summon any amount of sympathy for the ruthless hellions in the passing lane, though. No one should be in that much of a hurry. They are going to work, after all. Why hurry to work?

In a few short miles, I head south on the 355 tollway, where the traffic is just as dense, but there is usually a respite after I-55. Going south is heading away from the city, so I don’t have as much company. I-55 is another east-west vein, so much of the traffic exits from 355 onto the ominous Lego like ramps that snake off and to the tollway. When I first started driving the tollway, those ramps scared the living daylights out of me. Now they are mundane.

What almost never fails to happen is getting stuck in the passing lane behind someone driving ten miles under the speed limit. I curse out loud when that happens, immediately conscious of my sin due to the Christian music I tend to favor during my commute. The music is my attempt to keep my focus calm and in the right place. Commuting the tollway is a daunting challenge even to someone who tries to keep a Christlike attitude. I fail enough as it is, and I am constantly thankful for God’s grace and forgiveness as I curse my fellow man or woman when behind the wheel of my Subaru.

My commute is 37 miles one way. I am thankful for the pandemic for one reason only — I am only required to make the trip to the office one day a week. There is a rumor that will change soon. Hopefully, it’s only a rumor, but even when my company lifts the one day a week in the office rule, I still will only have to come to the office 50 percent of the time. Commuting the tollways can be expensive, as it is $6 in tolls a day on top of gas and car maintenance. The month of November has cost more, as I experienced one of the hazards of tollway use — my IPass transponder pooped out, something I didn’t know until I noticed my toll account balance was extremely low. Tolls suddenly were being charged at twice the normal rate. Yikes. Until I get a chance to mail my transponder back to the tollway authority for an exchange, either I pay the double rate or I don’t use the tollway. Not using the tollway means about another 90 minutes of total commute time. Yuck!

Four years to retirement.

I am divorced — What would Jesus say to me if I asked him about it?

Tags

divorce, God, remarriage

This week marks four years since my divorce was finalized. Some guys when they divorce look at that day as freedom day, a reason to celebrate, a release from whatever was holding them down. I don’t look at it that way. My life definitely changed that day, a change that started years before the divorce actually happened. The day of divorce was not a day of freedom — because it’s going to be a part of me for the rest of my life.

She used to say that I really never should have been married, an excuse, an attempt to place the failing marriage on my shoulders, a statement she began to repeat early in our marriage and continued to repeat it to the very end. As I remember those words, I wonder if she had given up even before it began. We held on 25 years, two people who had made a commitment to each other before God, the God part the biggest reason (besides our children) we held on so long.

Divorce is tough for anyone. I am a Christian, a Christ follower, serious about my relationship with God, and I want to honor God. I believe the Bible is one way God communicates with me and I want to listen to him. I believe the Bible is true, every word. In the years leading up to my divorce, I looked up every scripture verse I could find that talks about divorce. There really aren’t that many. As I read them, over and over, I prayed over them, asked God to help me understand. Divorce is tough for anyone, but as a Christian, the decision to divorce is agonizing, no matter the reason for the divorce. After all, God hates divorce, part of a verse from Malachi 2:16 that many well meaning people have quoted to me. I understood that then and really understand it now. No one needs to tell me that God hates divorce. It wasn’t an epiphany, as divorce would be contrary to what God intended for man when woman was created. Separation is contrary to the way God created us.

It took me a while to understand that God hates divorce, but he would not hate me if divorce happened to me.

OK. God is not going to hate me for wanting a divorce. However, there is the matter of sin. If a divorce isn’t due to marital unfaithfulness, then remarriage is adultery.

Matthew 19:9 (NIV) – “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Jesus had been asked about divorce as a test, an attempt by Pharisees (teachers of Jewish law) to trap him, to discredit him. There were two schools of thought regarding the interpretation of Deuteronomy 24:1-4 which says “If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house….”. One school of thought held that ‘something indecent’ meant marital unfaithfulness, the only allowable cause for divorce. The other school of thought emphasized the words ‘who becomes displeasing to him’. That would allow a man to divorce his wife if she did anything he disliked, even if she burned his food while cooking it. Jesus first pointed to God with his response, as the creator who made them male and female, in a way that unites them as one flesh. When the Pharisees responded by asking Jesus why Moses commanded that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away, Jesus replied as he did in verse 9, first saying that Moses permitted divorce because their hearts were hard.

I don’t know how many times I read that passage, each time asking God to help me understand it. Was I looking for a loophole? Justification? Honestly, I wanted peace that if I did make the decision to ask my wife for divorce, I would not be sinning and worse, be committing another sin if some time later I remarried. The last 8-10 years of my marriage was a time of wrestling with that realization, especially as things became worse, as it became painfully clear that our relationship was not going to get better. The last 12 years (or more) of our marriage, at my estimation, was devoid of any physical affection. I knew that was a sign of something unforgiven that made her not to be with me, even before a counselor volunteered that information, a forgiveness she refused to give, with insistence that forgiveness was something I had never asked for. I had. I did even as I didn’t know what I had done. As the struggle with the thought to divorce grew to the point of being unbearable, I asked her to talk about it. I was tired of her refusal to honor me, asked why. The only thing she told me was that she couldn’t honor a man she thought was wrong. Wrong? What did that mean? She couldn’t explain it. Desperate, I went to her father, asked him to tell me what his relationship was like with his wife. Maybe that would tell me something. He graciously met with me, was very transparent and open with me, and I discovered a few things I didn’t know during that conversation. I left him that evening with the news that things between his daughter and I were not good, that my intention was not to divorce, but was not confident that we would survive. He prayed with me… and when the divorce did happen, I am the only one of the three ex son-in-laws that he did not condemn. I did not hear from him at all after the divorce.

I sought out my church pastor, hoping for an understanding ear. He refused to talk to me. I went to a counselor, who listened. I found friends who also gave me a kind ear. No loopholes. No justification. No one blamed me if I did make the decision. Some didn’t think the decision would be a sin, even if I remarried.

When I made the decision to ask for divorce, despite my attempts to understand what the Bible says about divorce and to reconcile Jesus’ words in Matthew 19, I was afraid of what the decision was doing to my relationship to God. I felt a darkness, a separation, a wall that kept me from being able to approach God in the way I knew I needed to. I was angry to the point of screaming at God. WHY? WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY? Only when I was able to trust God, to trust in his grace despite what was happening, was I able to find some peace. I asked her for a divorce, yet stayed for another two years until she finally said she too wanted a divorce. Ironically, she told me a few hours following the Cubs’ World Series win. As a Cardinal fan, that night will hurt forever for more than one reason.

Then there is the question of remarriage. One of my brothers, Mark, is divorced and remarried. His wife is a true blessing to him, something I looked to as my relationship with Lisa (now my fiance) grew. When he was going through his divorce, even though there was suspected unfaithfulness on his wife’s part, he agonized about divorcing. He couldn’t reconcile divorce as a Christian. I have thought about the conversations I had with him, and it affects my thoughts about divorce and remarriage.

There are also the words of Paul in his letter to the Corinthians. In I Corinthians 7:10-11, Paul tells them —

“To the married I give this command (not I but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.”

I laugh a little, as just a few verses previous, Paul had warned “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time,…Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of control”. Corinth was a very worldly place, with pagan temples that included prostitutes and many other forms of temptation. There were many opportunities to stray. Times now are no different and a strong commitment to the marriage bed is just as necessary now as it was then.

She must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.

This past Tuesday night, two elders came to my home to interview me as part of the process of becoming a member of the church I attend with Lisa. Lisa and I have been dating 2.5 years and I have been attending her church for at least two years. I waited to join the church until I was sure that our relationship was going to be permanent. I welcomed the opportunity, like a church with sound leadership that is dedicated to communicating the core values of the church as well as maintaining them by accountability. My faith and beliefs are solid. I know they align with the church as well. However, before the elders arrived, Lisa texted me and let me know that a church staff member had asked her to warn me that the elders had been requested to ask me about my response to a question on the survey Lisa and I completed last week for our upcoming premarital counseling. It was a question that asked about the circumstances of my divorce.

When the interview with the elders reached the point where they asked about my divorce, the first question they asked was if I had gone to my wife to seek forgiveness and to reconcile with my wife. They said that if the church pastor was asked to perform the wedding between Lisa and I, he would not agree to perform the wedding if I had not made an attempt to reconcile with my ex wife. Even then, since my divorce was not due to adultery, remarriage would be something that would be considered adultery according to scripture. It was an uncomfortable thing for them, something they did not want to say. Oddly, I was perfectly comfortable. I knew that the answer I had given to the survey question was short (there was only space enough for a few sentences). The staff member and the elders didn’t know the full story. I shared the divorce story with the elders, filled in the gaps. I told them that many of the years, in my opinion, were an attempt at reconciliation and forgiveness. My decision was based on trust in God’s grace. Even then, I didn’t leave until months after she asked for a divorce.

I could have asked if they had considered the context of Jesus’ words to the Pharisees (or Malachi’s or Paul’s), but there was no reason for an argument. These guys had approached me with love and concern. They don’t want me to expose myself to sin as much as I also don’t want to expose myself to sin.

But I did ask this question — what if I could look Jesus in the eyes and ask him to talk to me about my divorce? Would he answer the same way he answered the Pharisees? I think he might, but maybe not. He recognized the sin when he looked in their hearts. What would Jesus see when he looked in my heart? I told them that I had felt the peace of God when I prayed over that passage, as if God was telling me it was alright.

After all, God hates divorce. God does not hate me.

Lisa is a blessing to me, encourages me and stands beside me as we worship God together. My ex wife did not do that. God has blessed me with Lisa and our relationship with him will grow together. I am thankful for his faithfulness to me, despite my sin… and even if my decision to remarry is a sin.

Board not Bored

Living in close quarters in multi unit housing can be both a challenging and wonderful thing. Condo living has been my way of life for the last four and a half years, a challenge of sorts my first two years due to a nasty downstairs neighbor with a penchant for aggressive complaints. But even in those years, getting to know the neighbors in my building and community has been wonderful, a uniquely sublime experience with a variety of neighbors. I’m an active sort, mostly extroverted, so I have had no problem getting to know the people who live around me. With my nasty neighbor gone, existence is very quiet and the opportunity to get to know the people who occupy the four units in my side of the eight unit building I live in have been numerous. Next door is Cathy, whose 21 year old daughter lives with her. She is a proud Subaru Crosstrek owner, so we like to share stories of our Subarus, as well as life. Directly below me is the new resident who bought the nasty woman’s unit. Todd is a laid back stoner, recently divorced and retired. His son, an equally laid back stoner, moved in with him recently. They both are a pleasure to talk to, often inviting me downstairs to share a toke (no thanks) or to sing with them while Todd plays the guitar. Then there is Bill, a bachelor, a thoughtful thinker who I sit with out in front of his garage sharing our thoughts of the world. We have spiritual conversations now and then, which I enjoy, especially since Bill isn’t a Christian, yet respects what I believe and isn’t afraid to talk with me about what he believes about God. If my son doesn’t want to stand up with me at my wedding this coming March, I may ask Bill.

Oh, and another thing — my fiance lives in the building next door. This truly is a friendly community.

Emerald Green, the condo association I live in, is a quiet little community of two story condos nestled next to the Dupage river in the west suburban Chicago area, within spitting distance of the east gate to Fermilab, one of the older accelerator labs in the world and where one of the smallest atomic particles was discovered. Scientists at Fermi are splitting atoms in a good way and it’s a cool place to live next to. I know of at least one resident who works there, Karl, a young Britain who is truly brilliant. He’s also a talented, enthusiastic tennis player who plays in the tennis leagues our condo recreation association sponsors here. Our community has a street named after a Fermilab scientist, John Bardeen, and another street named after Enrico Fermi. The river is a source of beauty for our community, especially those fortunate enough to have a view of the river. There also is a pond, fed by the Dupage, as well as a spacious clubhouse with pool and tennis court. The condos and villas here were built in the late seventies, with beautiful mature oaks and maples throughout. Our community is well maintained, managed by a competent property management company and a volunteer board who make sure the community is cared for. This past summer saw many improvements and maintenance projects – wood siding replacements, paint for the buildings and balconies, balcony replacements, courtyard concrete replaced, new LED lighting in front of garages and in the courtyards. Not only is Emerald Green a great place to live, the value of each condo unit has increased significantly, not only because of rising real estate prices but also because the community truly is a well cared for gem.

Emerald Green also has another governing board, the recreation association, responsible for the clubhouse, pool, tennis court and pond. The recreation association oversees resident rentals of the clubhouse, issues pass cards for use of the clubhouse and pool, organizes community events/parties, maintains the pool and grounds around the clubhouse, pays for a pool/clubhouse manager. I am a member of the board, have been secretary the last two years, a little frightening for me in some ways because my name is the manager for the bank accounts the recreation association holds. I also monitor the board’s email address and website, answer resident emails and make sure rental requests get to the person who schedules rentals. I set the agenda for our monthly meetings and preside when the president doesn’t want to (sounds funny, but, well, he doesn’t).

One of the challenges to living in a condo community is the residents who complain. There are people who are going to complain no matter what, just because they can. As soon as the first snowflakes flutters down from the heavens, someone is going to grouse about how long it took to get their drive or sidewalk cleared, or how bad the removal job was. They complain about garbage service, the brightness of the new LED lights, the new balconies, how a tree was pruned or not pruned, mice in their units. I had to answer a complaint about mice this summer — because apparently property management and the condo board weren’t answering to satisfaction. She didn’t seem to understand that the recreation association has nothing to do with maintenance to condo buildings. Many residents don’t like that there is a monthly association fee, don’t understand or care that fee is what pays for snow and garbage removal as well as all the maintenance to the buildings. Some feel entitled, and that entitlement also includes the right to complain, quite often in a rude way. They don’t care that all board members are neighbors who have volunteered their time for free.

There is one resident who became upset when his request to grow a garden, for his own use and not for the community, in the open space behind his building, was rejected by the board. Then he was asked during a yearly inspection to clear his garage so that he could park his car in his garage, an association rule. Instead of going to the board to talk about it, he arranged a mutiny of sorts, recruited many of the community chronic complainers to go to a board meeting. It was a rude, disrespectful attack. Mean in many ways and accomplished nothing except create a very unfair portrayal of the condo board. Nothing positive came from the attack. There was no real reason for it except to give the originator satisfaction, a cowardly way to get back at what the wrongs he thought he had experienced. In reality, he doesn’t understand that living in a condominium means that there are rules and those rules are necessary for the community to function in a healthy way. Can there be exceptions? Yes. But those exceptions are not always granted. At the last condo board election, many board members resigned or didn’t seek reelection. For a volunteer position, it just wasn’t worth the headache.

That same resident is threatening to go after the recreation assocation board now, at our meeting this coming Tuesday. He’s threatening to bring an angry throng with him. Why? He wanted to rent the clubhouse a few months ago, a request that was granted but required the standard contract that is issued to all residents that want to rent the clubhouse. That contract requires a check for the rental, as well as a check for damage deposit. He refused to sign the contract, refused to issue the required checks. The guy had the party at the clubhouse any way, complained that the bathrooms had some used paper towels in the garbage cans, said that he wouldn’t pay when confronted about it. On top of that, several of his party guests decided to go for a dip in the pool after midnight, were abusive when asked to leave. So, the recreation board asked him for the signed contract, requested that he pay for the rental. He refused by simply not responding. As a result, the board sent him a certified letter, requesting immediate payment or else his clubhouse pass would be cancelled (it’s an electronic key) and pool privileges for next summer would be revoked. No response. His pass has been cancelled. An offer for a hearing to discuss had been extended to him, which he didn’t respond to.

Guess who was asked to deal with him?

I sent him an email and asked him to refrain from bringing his matter out in the public meeting. I asked him to instead appear for a private hearing with our board. He refused. It’s clear he wants the drama, not a real resolution. So, this Tuesday, probably in front of a crowd, I have to be the board member who speaks for the board at the meeting. The president? Nope. He doesn’t want to do it. Ironically, everyone on the board seems to think I am the one who will deal with him the most reasonably.

*cough*