Burning Flesh

Tags

Humour, lessons learned, life, personal, technology

My feeble mind goes back a few years to a day when perhaps my life was spared.  I still remember the acrid scent of burning flesh and ozone, the horrified look on my son’s face after he had witnessed his father being thrown across the room by forces unbeknownst to him.  I was attempting my first minor project that involved house current, too cheap or too poor to hire someone to do the job who actually knew what they were doing.  We, meaning my former wife and I, had redone our son’s room to a sports theme, with walls painted to resemble grass, a border of various and assorted balls, shelfs lined with his collection of trophies, a sports themed switch plate.  The final touch was to add a soccer ball light fixture to the ceiling fan.

I was up to the task, a little research on how to retrofit a ceiling fan done on the internet.  Armed with YouTube handyman courage, I climbed the short metal extension ladder in the middle of the bedroom, screwdriver in hand, prepared for what I thought was the most simple task to add to my arsenal of household accomplishments.  The breaker to the bedroom was shut off, the master wall switch in the off position.  I should have been safe.

Do I even need to say how wrong I was?

The cover plate on the ceiling fan was removed easily, the wires disconnected.  I put the retrofit fixture for the light in place, attached the wires to the terminal connections then gingerly put my screwdriver on the terminals to tighten them down.

POOF!!!!!!!!

I had touched the metal of the screwdriver against the ceiling fan housing, only to discover that I should have shut off the mains at the breaker box.  Horrified, my son watched as I was launched off the ladder and across the room.  He bolted (a ironic term) out of the room to retrieve his mother, sure that his father was singing with the angels.  I came to as the scent of my own burning flesh mixed with the smell of fresh ozone.  I looked at my hand, still tingling from the trauma created by the introduction of house electricity, intrigued by the slightly smoking black spot in the side of my knuckle.  The current had entered there.  Further inspection revealed where the jolt of electricity had exited at my elbow.

I wondered if I had super powers as a result.  They have yet to emerge.

Recently, the recessed light in my shower stall ceased to work.  I knew failure was coming, since it often shut off a minute or two into a shower as the fixture overheated.  It was only a matter of time before the light quit working.  After it failed, I investigated the cause.  It wasn’t the breaker, which sometimes had to be reset after the light shut off.  It wasn’t the switch.  Replacement bulbs didn’t solve the problem.  It was obvious that either the light socket or the heat sensor on the fixture had burned out.

Crap.  I am still too cheap to pay someone to fix it.  That meant I had to risk my life again to fix it on my own.

 

This time experience was on my side, as well as a whole lot better breaker box.  Now I live in a condo, with the main power on a different floor and away from my condo unit.  Shutting off the main power was as simple to going to the condo building utility room and shutting off the main to my unit.  I connected an extension cord and utility light to a hallway outlet so that I would have light in my bathroom while performing the task of replacing the light socket.  I had decided to retrofit a LED light kit, which meant I had to cut the wires, remove the existing socket and bracket, and strip the wires to wire the new light fixture in.  I performed the task as I stood in the tub, half expecting to meet Jesus as I cut the wires.  Half surprised at the lack of response as I cut the wires, then stripped the insulation back and connected the wires with nuts, a relieved SHenry completed the task.  I inserted the next fixture into the recessed can in the shower stall ceiling, cleaned up, turned on the main power, flipped the switch.

VOILA!  Success.  Glorious success.  The new LED fixture worked without flaw and looks even better than the original incandescent light.

A friend heard of my success (bragging is never a good idea) and now wants me to replace her failed closet light.  She had better make it worth it….

Crisco is not the Answer

Tags

life, middle age, relationships, technology

This time of year is always filled with transitions, changes required due to cold weather coming on and the snow/moisture that comes with it, as well as the decreased amount of daylight available.  As soon as I come home, I am greeted by the mass of Christmas decorations that adorn my condominium unit, a brightly lit and Cardinal infested tree in front of my living room windows reminding me that the season has begun.  When I wake in the morning, I am reminded quickly that my exercise and diet need to be adjusted to a disciplined routine, my waist straining to overtake my jeans as I pull them on.

Warning — Using Crisco to facilitate pulling on tight pants is not recommended.  People question the stains and lard can cause a painful rash.  Shoehorns are also not recommended as they can get stuck.. or lost depending on the extent of your “transition”.

Last night I visited a friend for a night of watching football, something that is becoming a bit of a weekly thing.  When I arrived, he was showing another friend the bicycle training set up in his kitchen.

Yes, we’re single men.  Single men are able to keep bicycles inside the house without fear of repercussion or bicycle destruction at the hands of a distressed female.

John has a nice set up, his Cervelo connected to a Wahoo Kickr resistance trainer.  That trainer transmits via Bluetooth to a PC which has a Zwift subscription.  Zwift is a training app that controls the resistance as you “train” online with (or against) friends, a virtual group ride through various simulated terrain.  My friend’s eyes glistened as he described a recent training ride where he and another friend dropped the lead group, then carefully waited for the right moment to sprint to the finish line.  John raised an arm in triumph as he recalled edging his “training partner” at the line.

Let me pause as I wipe the drool off of my keyboard.  I WANT THAT TRAINING SET UP!  Can you say ho ho ho?

This time of year can be filled with dreams of training sugar plums.  Last Friday morning, my friend Mike gleefully showed me the app he uses for his diet and training.  Mike is a body builder, so he watches his calorie intake closely.  He has some cred, enough that I respect what he is telling me.  Mike uses an app called My Fitness Pal, something I think I am going to try to help me make it through the Winter transition.  The app is free, with a premium option, so it can’t hurt to try.  It features a dietary log with tons of restaurant food and recipes loaded in to aid in tracking calories.  Favorite recipes can be saved, a useful tool when setting up a menu and grocery list.

We shall see.  My best riding seasons have been preceded with a disciplined off season that includes some kind of electronic resistance training (usually Computrainer) and diet.

Happy Transition-mas!!!

 

Instant Karma

Tags

marriage, technology

I was raised in an instant world.

Knowuttimean?  Vern.

That last comment came out nowhere.  Sometimes I just have to speak in Ernest.

My generation was born into an American culture that transformed from black and white to color, Ovaltine to Nestles Quick, theater to VHS to DVD to streaming video, Encyclopedias to Wikipedia, Gomer Pyle to pay at the pump, stove to microwave, diners to fast food drive through.  My generation has gradually become accustomed to having it now and has raised another generation which in turn is raising another generation to expect all to be available at their fingertips.

Patience is no longer a virtue.  Those who are willing to wait are simpletons stuck living in the past.

One way I can tell that my wife has transitioned into a true American is by her incredulous insistence that all things must be instantaneous.  For instance, when Miriam is using the family computer, I avoid our office and even occasionally leave the house completely, lest I am summoned to help her out and listen to her complain.

“This internet won’t do anything” (click click click click click… click……… CLICK)

I usually walk in to see the Windows start up screen transitioning or an icon at the top of the window indicating that her task is loading.. but she just clicked the mouse so many times that is never going to happen.

“Just walk away from the computer and come back in a minute.”

“Can’t you just fix it for me?”

There is no explaining that the only thing broken is patience.

She just called me to ask me why the furnace won’t go off.  Our daughter and a friend are filming in our house for a school project.  The furnace makes too much background noise.  I asked her if she shut the furnace off at the thermostat.

“Yes, but it’s…. oh, … never mind.”

I didn’t have to explain that it takes about the same amount of time as dialing a cell phone for the thermostat to respond.  And I probably shouldn’t even tackle the whole cell phone issue.  Cell phones have given a whole new meaning for every husband to the phrase “you can run but you can not hide”.  My wife knows because the cell phone knows.. and if that thing rings god forbid if a husband doesn’t answer it (and right away).  And with smart phones becoming the norm these days, everything is literally available at the fingertips.

I am considered a dinosaur and snubbed by many a smart phone user, sneers directed at me as the user raises their phone in my general vicinity but the gaze unable to lose the attention of whatever vital information is being viewed on said phone.  Yes, I am a flip phone user.

“But how do you text?” you might be asking.  Many do.  My children scoff at me and condescendingly offer their text secretary services to me on a regular basis.

It’s not a disease if you can’t whip off a text message in two seconds.  I manage.  But my text messages are not immediate responses.  My wife or my daughter often send me two or three texts while I am attempting one reply.

Wut r u doing r u thr I rlly nd u to pck up some hair stuf for me now

K

The church I attend has even joined the instant age.  No longer is it necessary to write a check or pull some cash out to place in the offering plate or bag as it is passed by the ushers.  Noooooooo.  Scan your cell phone as you come in or use the offering app from the church website.  Offering time during the church service is beginning to resemble a rock concert (my church has been a rocking church for some time), cell phones lighting up all over the auditorium, a mix of old and new fashion as the offering bags are passed amongst glowing smart phones.

I wonder where this is all heading.  Marriage by internet? I actually like that idea.  The ceremony could not have gotten over fast enough in my humble male opinion.  Yes, there is such a thing as a humble male.  What will my children be telling their children?

Before delivery drones we actually had to walk into a place called a “store”, pick up the thing we wanted to buy, carry it to a place called a checkout cash register, pay for it with something called “money”, and carry it in a bag into our house.

Wow, Dad!!!!

 

Entertainment Evolution

Tags

family, technology, television

Walt Disney anthology television series (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My daughter watches Say Yes To The Dress and the new version of 90210, as well as Downton Abbey.  Mir and Nate are hooked on Breaking Bad.  Me?  I’m a Walking Dead guy.

Do we have cable TV or satellite?  No.  But we all watch our shows online.  Often we watch our show while in the same room, through the Wii or Playstation or one of our computers/tablet/iPods.  Even a few months ago it would have been unimaginable, although we did watch shows online or on DVD.  We have one television in our house.. and it’s almost obsolete.  We do watch television together, HD digital, through a standard antenna that was in our house when we bought the house 18 years ago.  But not like my family did as I was growing up.

Those were the days of popcorn and orange Nehi while we all gathered around the large black and white console TV, sometimes at my grandparents, to watch Daniel Boone or The Wonderful World of Disney or Lawrence Welk.  It was a big deal, an event we looked forward to every week, a privilege and a treat.  Grandpa sat in his easy chair next to the coffee table that held his Borkum Riff and pipes, puffing away, the sweet aroma of the tobacco drifting in the room.  My brother, cousins and I played on the floor with the wood blocks in front of my parents, uncle and aunt as they enjoyed the show together.  Grandma served the popcorn, brought the drinks, and sat in her own plaid easy chair on the opposite side of the room from Grandpa.  We watched the shows that everyone decided we would watch, our television show less of a focus than the time we spent together.

Grandpa bought the first color TV in the family, an Admiral.  Disney was much better in color.  Donny Osmond had purple socks.  Andy Williams, Carol Burnett, Flip Wilson, Laugh In all became staples for our entertainment as we became more and more accustomed to the age of television.  As television became more common and each family bought a television of their own, we went to my grandparents’ less to watch television together.  Cable television came along, more channels came available, movie channels came into being.  MTV.  VCRs.

And television became less and less of a family event, evolved into a more individual privilege.  Video rental gave us less reason to go out to the movie theater, another big deal that became commonplace as television took over the home.

When I had to go to high speed internet in order to have my office at home seven years ago, I also went wireless.  It was nice to be able to work anywhere in my house from my laptop, enjoy my St. Louis Cardinals through an online subscription even though I live in Chicagoland.  Adding different devices to our online home network has been easy.  I was amazed the first time my son and I played video games through his Playstation online with people on the other side of the world.  We still were behind the rest of the world since we watched our TV through an antenna — but suddenly we find that we have caught up with the rest of the world, a world of individuals tied to their own personal device, their own personal entertainment.

What have we become?  I think about how my own family communicates simultaneously with each other and the rest of their world, their interaction evolving into a mix of face to face and online social media, texting, and video chat.  When my daughter came home from a church youth group retreat yesterday, she rushed to go online to view the YouTube videos of the retreat posted online, sharing her weekend with us in a whole different way.  My kids say good night to me after their bedroom light has been turned out, by making a play in one of the many social games we play on our iPods.  What usually follows a “hello Dad” when one of my kids gets home is a trip to the computer to post pictures on Facebook and share with the friends they were just with.

Unbelievable.

The world my kids will know will be one of little solitude, of constant interaction.  Will they burn out?  I wonder how far all this will go.