I have to admit that I don’t know how to write this. So much of what I write in my oh so personal blog has become a whine, a complaint, my blog a place where I air what I can’t express in public, the gall so strong that I have to write it here so that it doesn’t spill into what I display publicly. Blogs and writing can be such a refuge. An escape. An excuse.
Thank God for the outlet.
I am tired. Worn out. Frustrated by expectations that exceed what I don’t want to be capable of. What frightens me is that I am capable. I do meet those expectations. Why in the freak do I? Don’t believe me?
22 years of marriage.
24 years of service at a company at a company that pays me like… oh… I don’t know… CRAP. The owner can’t decide which exotic car, bicycle, house, or extravagance to invest in. I can’t decide which bill collector I am going to avoid first. I have quoted close to ten million dollars in my past three quotes, yet said owner won’t even notice. No one in my company does what I do, but the only the people who accomplish the convenient get noticed.
Dang, I am one self indulgent, pitiful individual.
I am tired of being expected to sacrifice.
Bear with me here.
A lot of what goes along with being a father, a long term employee, has to do with expected sacrifice. I am EXPECTED to sacrifice. That’s what I do. I am a provider, a good old Joe, mister dependable, the go to guy, the guy who doesn’t care about recognition or reward. I do my job. I do what it takes to make sure everyone else is taken care of. I make sure my son or my daughter or my wife gets what they need. Who cares if I get something in return? I don’t. I am not expected to do that. Sacrifice does not expect reward. Who cares what I get back? Sooner or later I will get recognition. Right?
And FUCK THAT. I am tired of being that guy. I am tired of accepting the way of Christ, the way that God expects me to be. Fuck that. What has that done for me?
Want more money? Work overtime. We’ll not hire someone to replace that associate that got fired or quit. You will make up for it. You know your job and go well beyond, but we won’t recognize that. We’ll remember that time or two you have cracked under pressure in the last twenty five years, shove it in your face every chance we get, label you as hostile and uncaring, forget the sacrifice, the contribution, the tons of money you have made for the company. Who cares that you have been loyal, exemplary, the guy that fellow associates inside and outside of the company look to? You shouldn’t expect to be rewarded. Sacrifice. Sacrifice. Then do it some more. You should not expect to be able to pay your bills or live comfortably.
I listened to our sales director tap dance around recognizing me last night in front of me and the entire company. He recognized two people in my department, in front of the whole company at our recognition dinner, who benefit daily from what I give to them. Their performance soars from what they get from me. Then he recognized my supervisor, who also gets a ton from what I contribute. Did he mention me? No. He won’t. He’s clueless. He will continue to expect the moon from me, but he will not reward me. Sacrifice is expected, demanded.
He labeled me as hostile years ago, not from direct experience, but because he believed what my dishonest boss had told him.
Why in the fuck do I put up with this?
Because I will.
I am a provider. I love my family. I love my wife.
Who also expect sacrifice from me.
I bought a car for myself a few weeks ago. A simple, no nonsense, practical vehicle that replaced a vehicle that I had suffered through for years. I needed something to depend on, a car that starts in the morning, a car that I did not have to nurse daily just to make sure it was able to function. But buying that car has been a bane to my existence, a mistake that my wife considers a personal affront. I do not deserve the luxury of dependability, apparently. This car apparently was not for me, even though it was supposed to be. She won’t / can’t drive it, so it’s anathema.
I am tired of sacrificing. I am tired of being expected to sacrifice. I just need my life to be for me. I want nice clothes that are a reward for the hard work I produce. I want to enjoy the things I like and to spend my spare time on my own interests now and then. I want my extra time at work to contribute to something besides survival.
I want to enjoy life.
I want to be able to be happy about the success of my children, in front of them.
I want to be able to drink a beer.
I want to see a portion of my hard work on my paycheck.
I want to get fucked now and then, passionately. Fuck. Ten years is a fucking long time. I should not have to ask for it, I should not have to work for it, I should not have to even give one freaking inkling that it is something I want. My wife should jump my bones simply because my bones are something she wants to jump, because this damn idiot has given everything he has to make sure she has a place to live and exist in. Ha. Stupid way to look at it, but it’s true.
I want God to say well done… now. Why in the fuck should I have to wait until the end?
I want a break that means something, that is not taken to do something for my family or someone else, that is a vacation that I can actually afford and not worry about the money I am spending.
I want someone to recognize what I am doing.
I am tired of accepting goodwill just to survive.
I want to be happy about the good things I have.
AND I AM TIRED OF SACRIFICE. HAVEN’T I SACRIFICED ENOUGH?
Not a Christian viewpoint, I know. Screw that.
(Next morning note: I dropped the F bomb in this blog quite a few times, “said” it in one blog more than I have uttered it in the last ten years. I apologize for that.. but I think it demonstrates the frustration I felt when I wrote this blog last night. Yes, Sandy, it’s staying….)