Mother’s Day this year was different for me. No. No one gave me flowers or called me a mother. I have been called a mother before but that was in a far different context. Previous celebrations usually involved my stopping off at the store on the way home from church with the kids to buy something we could all cook together — Alyssa an apple pie, Nate a fruit salad, myself a pasta salad and something for the grill, while Mir shopped for herself early into the afternoon while we prepared a nice lunch. The flower boxes on the front porch were also filled to greet her when she came home.
This year was different, though. Alyssa is four hours away at college. Nate is 15 years old and acting like it. I planted the flowers two weeks ago. Mother’s Day proved the transition our family is in, the time when our children are not little any more. Sad in some ways, happy in others, but true. There would be no meal together, no gathering with Mir and the kids.
So I did something different.
Alyssa had been asking when we were going to come visit her. Mir has been busy with her job, Nate with the school tennis team. I wanted to go see her on my own, but thought it better if I could convince Mir to come with me. What better day to do that than Mother’s Day? Right? Of course I am right! Miriam has a very good relationship with Alyssa. They needed to spend time together. I approached Miriam with that thought, told Alyssa what I was doing.. and Mir went for it. There was a caveat — Nate was being a 15 year old male and would not go, so Mir would only go to see Alyssa if we left early on Sunday and came back the same day. Easy. That I have done, so easy to agree to.
Mir has changed in the last year. I would never have been able to get her into the car, ready to go, with zero anxiety, by 5:30 AM prior to the past few months. We had to meet our daughter, who would be with her boyfriend and friends, at church in Muncie, Indiana before 11 AM. We were rolling at the time I prescribed, sailing on clear interstate, four hours alone together in my VW. Once I got past the teeth grinding, the trip was actually pleasant. She only screamed and grabbed the dashboard once the entire time.
I like the relationship the Mir has with Alyssa. Mir cherishes her daughter, has invested a lot of time in their relationship, and it shows. Her demeanor lit up as Alyssa bound out of the car to hug her and Mir turned into the positive person I don’t see enough of for the rest of the day. Alyssa was excited to see us both, especially wanted to share the church with the rocking gospel choir with me and with her mother. I could see why. The place rocked, even coaxing Miriam, buoyed by the presence of her daughter on her special day, to dance a little in place (I have never, ever seen that from her).
Alyssa and Mir had fun with a selfie stick the last time Alyssa was home.
We took Alyssa and her friends to lunch at one of those combo Long John Silvers/A & W restaurants. I had to wear the paper pirate hat, something my daughter expected from me. Mir and I took Alyssa back to her dorm room, where we talked for a while. I excused myself to go take a nap in the car, let Mir have some time with her daughter. It was good for her and as we left Alyssa with her boyfriend after some coffee together, Mir thanked me for taking her — something I haven’t heard from her in a while.
Both of us frowned a bit as we drove away, though. Our daughter put on the freshman 10, probably more, and the shirt dress she was wearing revealed her heavy legs. Say what you want, but we were worried. We know that we can’t say anything to her about the weight gain. I am worried more about her getting her heart broken than anything else. Mir was worried about that and a myriad of other worries related to the weight gain, so much that eventually I had to change the subject.
This trip ended up being the most relaxed we have been together for as long as I can remember. We stopped for dinner on the way home, Mir fell asleep for the last two hours of the trip, giving me the break that I needed. She awoke as I drove into our neighborhood, exclaiming “How did we get here so fast?”.
I don’t always paint a positive picture of my wife here, a side I don’t often show. I am glad I got the chance, perhaps spending time with her on her favorite day helped.
Beautifully stated and shared, Steve. It was nice to see this side of you and your life. I had to nod at your references to your 15-year-old son, who sounds more than vaguely familiar.
Thanks for sharing this 😉
Thanks, Ned. I have been watching your blog for 15 year old references. Oddly enough, there is a lot more good stuff going on between Nate and I now than in the last year or two. Sometimes I feel like the skier spinning wildly down the slope with Jim McKay describing the agony of defeat, but more often than not I feel the joy of victory with him.
Marriage and parenting remind me that the variety of life keeps it interesting!
That’s the perspective that will bring joy and perspective when you need it most. My 15-year-old son is hot and cold, along with my youngest daughter (14). I just keep telling myself to stay consistent and, some day, they will realize they are jackasses. Hahaha! *cough cough*
But yes, it’s the challenges that keeplife interesting my friend 😉
One indicator that his attitude is changing might have shown when I took him to a Friday afternoon Cubs game at Wrigley a week ago Friday. Before the game, I warned him that I might have a beer during the game. His response was a shrug of his shoulders and a “doesn’t matter to me at all, dad”.
Not so long ago, he would have been frothing at the mouth to tell his mom (or even call her from the game).
That’s big, Steve. Definitely a step in the right direction — and the headed toward building the foundation of any relationship: trust.
That’s assuming it was Dos Eques. Otherwise, forget what I said…;)
Trust is indeed the big word there. I am not sure I thought he would figure that out, but the point he is at right now is learning that telling mom EVERYTHING doesn’t always work! Trust is a hard thing to teach.
Goose Island. This was Wrigley, after all, and the only other choice was Bud or Bud Light. Used to be Old Style. Ugh.
It sounds like a very fun day! Does your wife suffer with depression?
It was a good day. My wife doesn’t suffer with depression.. that I know of. Anxiety, on the other hand, is definitely a big part of her personality. Our issues stem from being from two different sides of the park more than anything else.
Ah,,the infamous freshman 10…I remember them so well. Thank goodness I lost them in my Sophomore year. You and Mir sound like the Princess and I when we drive together. I’ve always told her that if she gets into an accident and I survive, that I’m gonna be a witness for the other car!!!! You have a beautiful daughter and wife. What a lovely thing to do on Mother’s Day (And yes, your son was being a typical 15 year old..just remember: It’s not easy being a teenager today. Will be soon enough, when he finally “grows up” and truly learns to appreciate you and your wife…..) 🙂
My daughter has a tendency to show her weight in her legs, so when she gains weight that is the first place it is seen. Mir and I both know that she will likely lose the weight, especially since she is going to be a live in camp counselor all summer. She will be OK, but she is also in love in a different way than I have seen before, and I don’t know if this boy is going to bail. Part of being a dad is sharing in the heartache, I know but I just plain don’t want to see it.
There are times when I feel like shoving Mir out the passenger side door. 🙂
The Princess can tootally relate! Guess I’ll be joining Mir on the side of the road!!! 🙂
i’m happy to hear/read this side of you and i’m glad things are getting better. i wouldn’t worry about the 10, your daughter is happy and busy and healthy and living life and that is what is important.
You are right about my daughter living life and, judging from the outfit she wore yesterday, she is not overly concerned about the extra weight right now.
As far as things getting better, this trip was probably one of the only times. But it was a nice change from the norm.
I love this post! For every reason you can think of 🙂
Great post Titanium Henry. A good friend of mine once said while I was in a fit of rage directed at my wife, “Jimmy, sometimes you wanna throw ’em like a dart, but ya just gotta love ’em.”
Best marriage advice I ever got. I will say a prayer for you and your wife, my friend. That you can both find your happiness. Great post man. I’m glad you got to have a special day together.
I appreciate the prayer. Most of the time it feels like it will take a miracle for either one of us to change our attitude towards each other, so we both know the only God can provide that miracle.
Hey, try looking at the bright side: If you both choose to divorce and try again with another person, you can go through everything you and your wife just went through AGAIN, with someone else, or you can get over being angry with each other, change, and skip all of that other misery.
This is specifically, EXACTLY, how and why I stayed with my wife. We’re very much happy and we work as a couple now.