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My mind is cycling between clarity and confusion. I need to write simply to give my mind something to do, a distraction. The only real clear thought that I have is the assumption that I have held for a long time — in order to finish the race I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I don’t have to win the race, but quitting is worse than not finishing. I don’t need to run a perfect race but struggling through it is going to produce the character I need to run other races.
But aren’t there some times I am going to step in a hole, feel the pain that mistake brings? What is the right thing to do about the pain? Keep running and let the effort carry it away? Let someone care for it, give me the assurance that I will be able to run again, let me withdraw and recover?
I don’t know.
It is really difficult for anyone to understand the way I am running the race without knowing how the race has gone lately. There have been some real obstacles in my way. If my life as a father and husband could be compared to the way I approach an actual race or endurance challenge, then I would break it up into little pieces and take each bit at a time. On longer rides, let’s a tough 100 mile ride with lots of climbs, I can look at a route map, use my ride computer to control my pace and see how far along I am, and I can literally force myself through even the toughest of rides by riding 10 miles a time, one mile at a time, and half mile at a time until I cross the finish line. If all I care about is finishing that is what I do. The competitor in me always wants to do better than just finishing. Surviving the race of husband and father may just mean being satisfied with finishing.
I really stepped in a hole tonight, though. I saw it coming, stepped in it any way. It just looked too big to run around.
My son is 14 years old. He is an over indulged, controlling, selfish, ungrateful kid who is given even more power by a mother who wants to control, refuses to do the smart thing by acknowledging that a father and husband deserves respect simply by who he is, and shows that disrespect to her husband in front of the 14 year old son. The boy challenges me constantly, picks at me.
“Your dad is having a bad day. He’s angry with you because he is having a bad day.”
No. Dad is angry because he spent all weekend working to fix the family car, mow the lawn, fix the boy’s bicycle, pick the boy up, drop the boy off, go out late at night to find a battery he needs at 5:30 the next morning — then wanted to watch his football team on Sunday night TV only to have the boy storm in to change the channel in front of him barely a minute after the TV was turned on. No, Dad is not angry because he is tired or having a bad day. He is angry because he is being disrespected, then treated like he is being a jerk for being angry.
The whole week has been like Sunday night. I am stressed. Very. Try dealing with a possible foreclosure while dealing with constant 14 year old angst. Yes, Dad is not having the best of times right now. But all Dad really wants is a chance to catch his breath, feel like his family is there for him. What happened to the era when the father came home to a nice home cooked meal, relaxed in his easy chair, was expected to take the time to decompress in his home?
A friend told me today that a old farmer shared a bit of simple wisdom with him before the old farmer passed away — people of the past had children because those children were assets. They needed to have children, many children, because those children helped around the farm, performed chores, served a purpose. Children these days are no longer an asset. They are a liability.
Jeez. I hope that’s not really true, but as I sit in the midst of this cloud of confusion, I can’t help but identify a little with that statement. It’s not the way I want it to be and I see the mistake in that way of thinking. Anyone can choose to look that way. But holy cow it’s a struggle not to think that way. The costs are just not looking like they are worth the limited reward. In a lot of marriages, the wife is not an asset either.
Arrrggghhhh.
I backhanded my son tonight as I was driving him home from golf practice. He was mad because I didn’t get there to pick him up as soon as he wished. Instead of stopping the fight when I asked, asked him to be quiet the rest of the drive home, he decided to mock instead. So I backhanded him in the arm. Hard. With purpose. He was not going to stop.
I saw the hole, should have stopped, but chose to jump in instead. I am not a violent man, can be angry at times, but striking my son or my wife or my dog is not something that is a part of me. But I did it.
Believe it or not that is where some of the clarity comes in. The kid deserved it. But I also know that giving in to slugging him was not the answer. I should feel bad about it, but I don’t.
It’s nights like this when I really feel Satan tugging at my ankles. I understand more how he is trying to pull me down, beat me, get me to stop running the race. I read in the bible recently how Satan had been the Prince of the Air — the guy been raised above all — but his refusal to acknowledge God, denial of God’s sovereign power, disrespect and selfishness and ego forced him to be thrown to the pit. I can feel him trying to pull me into that pit with him as I give in to the struggle.
I don’t have an answer right now.
I so wish I could help!
I just read your blog about you going to your parents this weekend. Being away might be just what you need.
Staying away for a few more days might be even better. You need some you-time! Time to think.
Maybe (it’s just a thought) sit Mir down, tell her exactly, to the penny, how your financial situation is, how the situation with Nate is and how your situation is and ask her how she is planning to solve it as you are out of ideas and energy. Then go to your parents, leave her enough money to live on with the kids for a week or so and tell her you’re not sure when you will be back. Maybe shock-therapy will work?
Seriously Steve, there is an end to what you can handle and I know God will understand when you take a few days off.
Oh, and don’t worry too much about the backhand. It’s not what you prefer but the boy won’t be scarred for life. He had it coming!
He did but, well, I don’t like that he did.
First I’ll say, I am not a parent so this is just an outsider looking in’s perspective. It does sound like you need to sit your wife down and have a very honest discussion. About finances, about your relationship with her. Explain your need to have respect from her and from your son. When did she lose the respect? What was it that changed her view of you from when you got married? What can you both, together, do to put the house back to being a home.
After that, I’d suggest sitting down with your son and having a VERY honest discussion with him and find out where his angst for you is coming from. Encourage him to talk and ensure him that nothing negative will come from the conversation if he is honest and open with you. Find out why he thinks he CAN treat you this way and why he thinks he SHOULD treat you this way. Then work out with him how you want your relationship with him to be and if he is on board to helping it get there. Maybe he needs a very honest and calm discussion.
I truly hope things work out for you. Stress for too long will begin to eat at your body.
And I agree with Missriete, don’t worry about the backhand. If it was something reoccurring then I would be concerned but in this case I don’t think it’s a problem. Honestly, I think more kids these days could use one of those.
Had a weekend with a strange mix of stress relief and added stress. I am sitting in a McDonalds right now, two hours from home, watching the two stresses fight it out in the parking lot.
I wish I had words of wisdom for you. Living with battles and bad vibes is difficult, I hope things come together for you and your health improves.
Things are coming back together. It’s kind of amazing to me how that happens, although I suppose it shouldn’t be. Financial problems got a major help last night, kid seems to be straightening out (it seems the whack may have been what was needed). Mom went to the ER again last night, however.
I ain’t gonna give you no advice!!!! I send you some brotherly Love, encouragement and prayer – about all I have! Gonna think on it though!! Have not been around much of late so a bit to catch up on – will return and read your posts over the last weeks when I have finished my work today – God Bless mate!! One of my favourite teachers made a beautiful apt comment once. He said when someone comes to me and says they have had a huge failure in life he says Hallelujah- Praise the Lord!! We need these to grow – brokenness is part of our life in Christ!
Thanks for the encouragement, Keith. Guess I should be on quite a growth spurt right now.